Fur Elise, the ambiguty of music, and why I'm jealous of composers.
Once in a while I entertain the fantasy of being a musician. Not one that plays music someone else has written, but one that composes their own melodies, imbuing each note and chord with meaning whether or not they are consciously aware of what it is. I think of Beethoven’s Fur Elise and the aptness of that title, and how it would feel to package someone I love into a melody that speaks a language that shifts in meaning depending on the listener.
If writing exists on the XY plane I imagine music to be the Z axis jutting out of the page, creating a dynamicism that words alone cannot embody. If you understand English, you'll understand what I'm writing here, but there is no universal method of understanding music. What one perceives as a sad melody might be inspiring to another, and a song my sister finds awful might be going platinum in my headphones (as often is the case). There is no dictionary that translates each note into a concept, and though some musicians will try to categorize scales and chord progressions (D-minor is a sad key, G-Major is a warm one, etc), music is generally indefinite. As a writer, it is my duty to defend language and acknowledge its infinite permutations, but as a writer, it is in my nature to fantasize about alternate realites including one in which my creative medium is sound.
I have been meaning to write pieces about my loved ones, but it has always come at the risk of sounding cheesy and contrived. If I were to send one of these pieces to a friend, it is likely they would examine each word and measure it up against their preconceived understanding of that word to come to a conclusion that may or may not match my intention. How do I tell a good friend that I admire them without sounding cringy? How do I express my admiration for the way a lover's hair falls over their brow, sunlight splitting it into microfibers, without straight-up saying it? The purpose of written communication to communicate, to tell one another in the simplest terms what we think. Music is more ambiguous. If I write "I love you" into a melody, no one would know that was what I meant to say. Perhaps they would glean some romantic atmosphere about the song, but they would have no evidence. Even if I wrote some elaborate, deliberately confusing metaphor to convey my love for someone, the meaning would eventually be excavated because we know what words mean. We don’t know what a series of chords explicitly translates to. Music does not bear the responsibility of universal understanding.
Of course I’m not saying that people can’t interpret text in vastly different ways—what I’m trying to say is that music enables this to an even greater degree. A degree that makes me jealous. I'm aware that my view of music composition is limited. Maybe a seasoned composer will tell you the complete opposite, and I’m sure some writers will argue that it is wholly possible to write something that does not betray its core meaning. I will likely have a different version of this opinion in even as soon as a week. But for now, I’m still thinking about Beethoven and Elise and what could’ve gone through his mind as he composed the piece, what about the right-hand melody invoked her image, and just how he managed to translate the untranslatable.
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Life Updates
VHF has been selling well and people are liking the signed copies! Please do check them out if you haven’t yet—it’s so fun for me to address and package them.
I think I’ve finally figured out the direction of my next novel, which means it’s almost time for my favorite part of the writing process: drafting!!!
What I’ve been listening to:
Jane Remover’s new album Revengeseekerz is a speaker-busting head-slamming maximalist masterpiece, and I think listening to it is the best way to understand my music taste. The new Skrillex album also goes insanely hard.
Bladee, 100 gecs, and brakence as usual.
Every year when spring/summer comes around, I start listening to My Chemical Romance’s Danger Days album on repeat. I’ve been loving “Summertime” and “Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back” in particular.
I asked my mom to send me a playlist of old Korean songs she played in the car when I was a kid. I’ve been thinking a lot about how comforting the Korean language is to me since I spoke it with my parents growing up. Whenever I have to comfort myself or teach myself a concept for class, I start thinking in Korean. (I might write a whole post about this, actually).
What I’ve been reading:
Recently started No Country For Old Men by Cormac McCarthy. It’s kinda confusing as are most of his books, but I’m intrigued so far.
Read Beast in the Jungle by Henry James for class and it was ass 🔥🔥 I’m a James hater for life. I don’t fw modernism at all.
We Need Your Art: Stop Messing Around and Make Something by Amie McNee. This book changed my life and gave me a lot of confidence as a creative.
Other updates:
I’m thinking of designing chains and cool t-shirts. I want to make a brand of clothing and accessories that I would 100% wear. Maybe another summer project?
I’m going to be in Chicago for most of the summer in the apartment I’m gonna live in with friends next year. I’m really excited for that, since I’ve never spent a summer away from my family. It’ll be so nice not to have to study 24/7 and to h
ave the evenings off to work on the things I need to work on.
That’s all for now. Thanks as usual for reading this. I appreciate you!
-J <3